


Roll To Hit It

by Stratisphyre



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Dungeons & Dragons References, Fluff, In-Jokes, Multi, so many in-jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27945557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stratisphyre/pseuds/Stratisphyre
Summary: “I am going to seduce Nadja through the awesome power of Dungeons and Dragons.”
Relationships: Jenna/Nadja (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 39
Kudos: 90
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Roll To Hit It

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yeats](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yeats/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide yeats! 
> 
> It was such a pleasure writing this for you! As soon as I saw your idea about Jenna teaching the others D&D, this was a done deal. It turned into a bit of a love letter to D&D, and I really hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> As always, huge thank you to the Yuletide mods, who make this an amazing experience year after year.

Guillermo did not like her. 

Jenna was used to that, obvs. She could probably count on one hand the number of people that _did_ like her. She wasn’t even confident her mom liked her (loved her, of course, to the extent of contractual obligation which she usually expressed through passive-aggressive commentary about pretty much all aspects of Jenna’s life). 

Guillermo didn’t have to like her, as long as he played along.

“You want me to DM a game? Here?” he repeated slowly. His hand twitched, as though he wanted to gesture to the gloomy hallways and perfect mood lighting. As though the house wasn’t the best ever LARP setting. As though he hadn’t originally _lured her here under the pretense of the same incredibly specific appeal._

Jenna nodded. “It’s time for the return of Jenelf.” 

“Why?” 

Jenna took a deep breath, squared her shoulders and very deliberately met his eyes. She’d practiced this in the mirror. “I am going to seduce Nadja through the awesome power of Dungeons and Dragons.” 

Guillermo stared at her. Blinked. Stared again. “What.” 

“I’ve got it all planned out.” 

“I... what makes you think… you’re…” 

“I’m a strong, confident vampire now.” Well. She’d been working on becoming a strong, confident vampire. To be fair, being a strong, confident vampire proved a lot easier than being a strong, confident college student. Being a strong, confident college student had never lent itself well to killing people who annoyed her. (Not so long as she was an undergrad, anyway). And while she still rarely killed people who annoyed her, she appreciated having the option available. Nadja gave her that power, and by gosh, Jenna would make the most of it.

“Don’t remind me,” Guillermo muttered. 

“I want her to see me in a new light,” Jenna continued, “This is the best way to do it.” She hoisted up her backpack and grabbed out the lime green folder inside. “It’s a prefab. All you need to do is steer everyone in the right direction. Leave all the rest to me.” 

Guillermo took the folder from her and flipped it open, quickly scanning the intro page. “This is for five players.” 

“It’s a full party, yeah.” 

Guillermo’s expression twisted in horror. “You don’t want a game just for you and Nadja? You want it for… all of them?” 

Jenna blinked. “Do you think it will be a problem?”

* * *

“What need have we of all the little dices?” Nandor asked, examining a d4 with a critical eye. “There are so many of them.” 

“Well, master, the one you’re holding is for when you want to roll damage from one of your magic missiles,” Guillermo said. “You’re a wizard, see?” 

“I am not a wizard, I am a powerful conqueror!” Nandor insisted, standing to splay his arms and laying claim to the entire table. 

He’d worn armour. Jenna couldn’t be sure if it was period-accurate and decided to let it slide. Well. For now, anyway. If he tried to claim his character wore the same chainmail ensemble in-game, she’d darn well make her thoughts known. Politely. 

“Oh, I think you’ll find wizards suffer from an extreme _lack_ of conquering prowess at first level,” Colin Robinson stated, the corners of his mouth tugging up. He pushed his glasses up his nose. “You have to be strategic at lower levels. For example, I’m playing a psion. I used a homebrew set of rules to convert it over from an epic level game I played in college. It’s actually a very interesting conceptual character: I wanted to maximize damage without sacrificing AC. Unfortunately, Guillermo wouldn’t let me convert the rules for gestalt characters from _Unearthed Arcana_ to Fifth Ed., so I couldn’t apply the Barbarian class features I wanted. I made due with a few unique items Guillermo agreed to let me use.” 

Jenna frowned. “You played D&D in college?” She was treading in dangerous waters… one wrong move and Colin Robinson would Get Started. 

Colin Robinson chuckled. “Didn’t everyone?”

“I wasn’t aware you even went to college,” Guillermo muttered, either unaware of the danger or completely inured to its potential impact on Jenna’s Excellent Plan of Lady Seduction.Hard to say which one, considering how he kept side-eyeing her. 

“Oh, I wasn’t enrolled. I only showed up for a bunch of extracurriculars. Nothing fills the belly quite like the desperation of twenty-somethings during midterms.” His face lit up. “The history of Dungeons and Dragons is a very interesting topic of discussion. Did you know Gary Gygax regretted introducing the monk class?” He pushed his glasses up his nose. Again. “He felt it more appropriate for an expansion setting—”

Laszlo, thankfully, interrupted. “I am playing renowned rogue Æthelric the Shadowmane. An elusive figure whose reputation for thievery is only rivalled by his popularity with the ladies. Appreciated across the kingdoms of Fae-rûn for his daring exploits and generous lovemaking.” 

“You’re only first level,” Guillermo sighed.

“Exactly. First in all things.” He twitched an eyebrow at Nadja. “Not the least of which happening to be the art of tantric lovemaking, as proven by my maxed out acrobatics skill.” 

Oh, no. No, no, no. Laszlo could _not_ steal this from her. “I am Jenelf,” she declared, earning herself a disgruntled lip quiver from Laszlo. “A ranger recently returned from a daring quest to retrieve the Lost Hand of Tyr from where the Fenris Wolf secreted it away in his realm of horrors.” 

“I never approved that backstory,” Guillermo said. Jenna decided to ignore him. Fortunately, he seemed used to it.

“Jenelf?” Nadja repeated. “Is this not the name you used during your sad days with those idiot boys? Can I call you Jen-NA?” 

“Only if I can call you beautiful.” Jenna pitched her voice low, and Nadja blinked in surprise, pupils dilating ever so slightly. 

Step one: success. 

Laszlo’s brows twitched up, but he only said, “And what are you playing, my dearest darling?” 

“I am Euthane Stormeyes. A… cleric?” Nadja read from her character sheet. “No, I do not like this. This is too much like playing a nun.” 

“A nun with magical powers,” Jenna pointed out, wiggling her fingers. 

“You would look perfectly fetching in a wimple, my love,” Laszlo assured her. 

“Or in nothing at all,” Jenna cut in.

Even as Nadja preened happily in her seat, Laszlo blinked at Jenna. She hurriedly returned her whole focus to the character sheet in front of her. Good thing, too. She’d forgotten to add her dagger’s +1 luck modifier to her attack bonus. She scribbled it in before Guillermo started the game. He seemed like the sort of DM who’d penalize her for it. 

“Now that we’ve introduced the party, we can get started,” Guillermo said. He coughed, and when he spoke again his voice quivered with the same narrative timbre employed by all experienced DMs. “I am the Dungeon Master, and this is ‘Mysteries of Myth Drannor.’” 

Nandor’s eyes narrowed. “What did you say?” 

“‘Mysteries of Myth Drannor,’ master. It’s a city in Cormanthor—”

“No, not your silly made up words. Before that.”

“‘Dungeon Master?’” 

“You dare to call yourself master?” Nandor stood abruptly, catching his knee on the edge of the table and knocking his dice to the floor. The d12 went down a nearby vent. Good thing no one needed it. 

“Just the Dungeon Master, master.” 

“Fun fact, did you know they only introduced the designation of ‘Dungeon Master’ in the second expansion of the original D&D game? Originally they were referred to as ‘referees.’ All things considered, in the strictest sense, referees are only spectators who enforce rules, and while integrity of gameplay is an essential part of a DM’s role, it doesn’t encapsulate the need for the hands-on interaction or advanced required.” He eyed Guillermo with a condescending smirk. “Not that much worldbuilding is required when you’re using a premade campaign.” 

“Would it help if you called me referee, master?” Guillermo asked. The wince was implied.

Nandor scowled and slowly lowered himself back into his impressively expansive wingback chair. “Yes it would.” 

“All right. I am your…” Guillermo’s eye twitched. Subtly. “Referee. Welcome to Mysteries of Myth Drannor.” He leaned forward in his seat, and Jenna thrilled at the rush of excitement thrumming in her veins. “An eerie mist wafts its way up from the ground, swishing around your ankles with manacle-like determination, threatening to suck you into the boggy earth.” 

“I roll a spot check to see if the mist is naturally occurring,” Colin Robinson stated.

“Spot isn’t a skill in Fifth Ed,” Jenna pointed out.

Colin Robinson frowned at his character sheet. 

“Manacles remind me of a particularly lustful encounter I enjoyed with a noble lady whose family hailed from the mighty city of Wah-tear-deep. There I waited, hiding behind the luxurious velvet curtains in her bower, when she entered the room, ample bosom heaving with the sighs of her world-weary cares…”

Jenna tried to catch Nadja’s attention. When Najda’s gaze finally turned her way, Jenna rolled her eyes with as much exaggeration as she could muster. Nadja smirked; the smirk she did where her mouth formed an upside-down smile that might’ve been a frown except for the laughter lingering in the hidden corners of her lips. God, Jenna was so gone. 

“...and then, with a sweep of my ermine cape, I announced myself to the room…”

Jenna easily lost herself in Nadja’s eyes. She wanted to tuck herself into Nadja’s patchouli-scented embrace and rub her face all over the smooth silk fabric covering her chest. 

“...upon which her heaving breasts burst from her confining bodice…”

“Perception!” Colin Robinson interrupted. “I roll perception.” He shook his aging d20 in his hand and dropped it onto the table, quickly picking it up before anyone could remark on, or verify, the result. “Ha. Natural twenty!” 

“The mist does not seem to have any magical properties,” Guillermo told him. 

Colin Robinson frowned. “Really? Because a natural twenty indicates an automatic success. I once had a DM who—” 

“Referee,” Nandor sniffed. 

“—allowed players to roll a second time after rolling a natural twenty and added the result to the twenty to determine the total success of the roll.”

“Fine, you can roll again,” Guillermo said.

Colin Robinson dropped the dice and, once again, swiftly retrieved it from the table. “Eighteen.” 

“You do not perceive any oddities about the mist.” 

“I should point out one of the features from my original build allowed for natural detection of ambient magic. It found a feat on an old mIRC channel—”

“The fucking fog isn’t magical, Colin Robinson,” Laszlo declared, “Now let me get back to describing the sinful night of lascivious pleasures I enjoyed with a virginal countess whose very core wept for want of my virile manhood.”

“Why don’t we move it along?” Jenna said, helplessly. They just needed to get to the part in the graveyard. Then Jenna could sweep in and save Nadja—and the day—and prove herself as more than the invisible little mouse she secretly feared Nadja still believed her to be. 

“You arrive at the ruinous entrance to Myth Drannor,” Guillermo continued, doing the DM voice again. Even Nandor seemed to sway forward under the enchanting power of his diction. “Crumbling pillars stand before you, marking the entrance to what may have once been a powerful empire before buckling beneath the weight of its decadent majesty.” 

“Nadja,” Jenna said, “Don’t you have detect evil memorized?” 

“Do I?” Nadja shuffled the pages of her character sheet around. “Yes, it is written right here.”

“Do you want to cast it?” Jenna encouraged. 

“I… do? I do. Gizmo, I cast ‘detect evil.’” 

“An insidious aura creeps up your arms, chilling you through to your bone marrow. The air itself seems to scream with the weight of a thousand-thousand lost souls.” 

“That equals one million,” Nandor pointed out, helpfully. 

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo replied evenly. 

“Where is all this evil coming from?” Nadja demanded. 

“The air itself, were you not listening?” Nandor asked. 

“How can air be evil?” Nadja asked. “Witches, they are evil. Vampire Hunters. The fucking old hag who works at the dry cleaners and ruined my favourite dress. Air? Air is not evil unless soaked with the unique scent of burning donkey manure.” 

“I think it’s meant to be atmospheric,” Jenna whispered. 

This was not going well. 

Gentle prodding got them through the gates. The first combat—what should have been a comparatively easy fight with a handful of dust mephits—ended up with Colin Robinson and Guillermo debating the efficacy of grapple rules while Nandor scowled at the traitorous d4 he’d rolled to produce exactly two damage and Laszlo kept asking about the shrubbery. 

Jenna braced herself, preparing to give up, when they finally reached the graveyard. 

“...and that’s when you find the nearest markers are engraved with your own names,” Guillermo said. 

“I turn to Euthane and ask how can anyone so beautiful already be dead?” Jenna said. 

“Smooth,” Guillermo muttered under his breath. If Jenna had taken a seat even a foot closer, she would’ve elbowed him hard enough to break a rib.

“Are you saying the dead cannot be beautiful?” Nadja asked with a small pout. 

“No!” Jenna frantically shook her head. “No, not at all. You’re obviously beautiful. I mean, Euthane is beautiful. Not that you’re _not_ beautiful. Because you are. Just. Really beautiful.” Oh, god, she needed to stop saying the word ‘beautiful.’ 

“Does Jenelf need some mustard for her foot?” Guillermo asked, sotto voice. 

“Does the DM need some ‘fuck’ for his ‘shut the up’?” Jenna replied, terse. She’d complain about him being too mouthy for a familiar, but he’d been a familiar longer than Jenna had been an adult, and whatever weird dynamic he and Nandor had going on wasn’t something she cared to examine overmuch. Nandor seemed just as likely to punish him for being too casual as challenge Jenna to a blood feud. So. 

Also, she wasn’t a narc. 

“Before you can examine the headstones for more than a moment, the nauseating sound of half-rotten flesh scraping against bone reaches you as a horde of ghouls drag themselves towards you.” 

“That sort of thing doesn’t make a sound,” Nandor complained.

“Not true. I’ve always thought it to be rather a gooey sort of ‘schlepp,’” Laszlo argued. 

“I jump in front of Euthane,” Jenna said. “And I say, ‘have no fear, dear lady. I am ready to lay down my life in protection of you.’”

Nadja looked confused. “Why do I have this bloody big hammer if I need to be protected?” 

“Um.” 

Jenna turned a wild-eyed look around the table, accidentally catching Laszlo’s attention. The other vampire regarded her with mild confusion for only a moment before his brow smoothed out in understanding. 

“Might I confer with you in private, Jen-elf?” 

Oh, shit.

* * *

He didn’t drag her out of the room to messily murder her in the foyer. She had that going for her, which was nice, but she wouldn’t put it past him to do something terrible the moment they were out from under Nadja’s watchful gaze. 

“Are you attempting the seduction of my dear lady wife?” Laszlo demanded. 

Jenna wondered if she even had an answer which wouldn’t immediately result in her gorey death. Second death. Permanent death? Was honesty the best policy in this circumstance? Did Guillermo even have enough Tide pens to clean up what she would likely be an extreme amount of gore? “I…”

“Because if so, you’re going about it the wrong way,” he continued, barely skipping a beat. 

“What…?” 

“Nadja isn’t going to be wooed by false heroism. That’s how Gregor weaseled himself into her bedchamber.”

“Gregor?” 

“One of her former lovers.” Laszlo's lip curled in distaste. “Recently reincarnated as the disgustingly useless specimen of humanity known as Jeff, and even more recently dispatched.” 

If... if that was the case...

Jenna dropped her face into her hands as her well-laid plans unravelled around her. She was not going to cry. Not even a little. She knew from experience after rewatching _My Girl_ crying only resulted in disgusting lines of blood which pooled under her chin and made it look like she’d cut herself shaving. And it would be even worse this time: _she’d put on eyeliner_. She’d watched a tutorial on winged tips! All for nothing!

“Here now, stop that.” Laszlo reached out to tentatively pat her shoulder, as though trying to calm a particularly weepy possum. “I’m not saying it’s an hopeless endeavour. Just a misguided one.” 

“You’re not going to kill me?” 

“Of course not. For one, Nadja would never forgive me. She’s extraordinarily fond of you.” Jenna managed a teary smile and Laszlo’s hand snapped back to his side as though he’d placed it on a hot stove. “However, should you be interested in more than strictly platonic relations, you must approach it from a place of strength. Otherwise she might only throw you a few pity orgasms before losing herself in the moment and eviscerating you to bathe in your blood to rejuvenate her youth.”

“That’s a thing?” 

“Oh yes. Haven’t enjoyed a good bloodsoak in a dog’s age. Terribly good for the pores.” His lips pursed in thought. “Here’s what you need to do...”

* * *

Apparently recovered from Jenna’s humiliating attempt at being sexy, Nadja was watching a particularly vicious byplay between Guillermo and Colin Robinson regarding the latter’s attempts at rules lawyering. 

“I’m not saying you’re interpreting the rules wrong,” Colin Robinson stated with cool contempt. “But if you’d read all the material prior to introducing ghouls of undetermined origin, we wouldn’t be in this situation.” 

“And all I’m saying is if you’d stop trying to shoehorn in Third Ed. gameplay, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” 

“Three point five, actually.” 

Nadja’s face twisted in disgust as she looked down at her character sheet, feet shuffling beneath the table as she cast unsubtly wistful glances towards the door. 

Laszlo caught Jenna's eye as they retook their seats and nodded encouragingly. 

“I challenge Nandor to a duel,” Jenna stated. 

Nadja perked up in interest.

“What? But why?!” Nandor demanded, predictably beleaguered and confused. “What have I done?” 

“I do it in the name of a thousand voiceless peasants who once stood before you and were murdered out of hand.” 

“Did anyone read the backstories?” Guillermo asked sadly. 

“I do it in the name of their descendants, still suffering centuries after the fact.” 

“Oooh, is she speaking of me?” Nadja asked. Laszlo smirked and nodded with oddly paternal approval. He’d promised her Nandor wouldn’t take this personally and, perhaps unwisely, she’d chosen to trust him.

“I do it for Euthane Stormeyes,” Jenna finished. 

“It is for me!” Nadja gasped. 

“This is not part of the game,” Nandor said. “Guillermo, you are the one in charge. Tell her this is not a part of the game.” 

Guillermo blinked. “Sorry, master. I’m only a referee.” 

“What do I do, Colin Robinson?” 

“Well, in Third Ed, you’d start by rolling initiative.” 

“Sorry, master. Since Jenelf is a member of your party, you aren’t anticipating the attack, and are taken by surprise.” Guillermo didn’t sound sorry. In fact, Jenna’d say he sounded privately delighted. From the betrayed look Nandor levelled his way, he obviously picked up on the same. 

“Roll to hit, Jenelf,” Guillermo said. 

Jenna did, grinning ear to ear when her frosted opalescent d20 helpfully rolled a seventeen. She graced Nandor with the biggest shit-eating grin that’d split her face since she’d waited in Kyle’s dorm room for twelve hours before spitefully devouring him. 

“Roll damage.” 

As Guillermo had helpfully reminded everyone, Nandor was a first level wizard with six hit points. He was tissue paper, and Jenna had to blow her nose. 

Nandor squawked over the unfairness of it all while Jenna pushed back from the table and offered her hand to Nadja. “Care to accompany me to a private celebration of my victory, Euthane?” 

“Yes, though you must call me Nadja,” Nadja informed her. 

Jenna’s grin widened even further, until her cheeks ached. “It would be my genuine pleasure.” 

Nadja tucked her hand into Jenna’s—her cool palm pressed against Jenna’s, delicate fingers twining through hers—and stepped around the table to head towards the door.

“Well,” Colin Robinson said behind them, “That being said, we still haven’t determined whether the ghouls have been assigned an accurate challenge rating.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are gratefully accepted.


End file.
